Thursday, 11 December 2014

Hatches Battened Down, Still No Bomb.

The language of fear used in the media crossed a line this week about something as mundane as a bit of bad weather as we saw the phrase 'weather bomb' trending. I don't by any means wish to trivialise the severe weather the UK saw last night and will no doubt see again, after all it's has affected me:

Such senseless destruction.
That photo is from my own garden. Only weeks ago it was full of leaves and now it is nearly bare. One can only surmise that this sudden lack of foliage is due to this Al-Qaeda / ISIS collaborative weather bomb effort, and could in no way be correlated to what we used to call 'seasons'.

It seems it isn't enough to whip the masses into an ill informed frenzy of online illiteracy when it comes to immigrants comin' over 'ere takin' our jobs AND signing on benefits at the same time, or the seemingly never ending list of things which cause cancer. We now have to have a marriage of terrorism and our weather.


I'm all for a free media, but if all it does is cause fear, hatred and further the agenda of some evil billionaires isn't it time we stopped taking it so seriously?

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

No sex please, we’re censored.

We’re well into the season where who is naughty and nice is decided and according to the BBFC the following acts (which were quietly banned from being depicted in pornography created in the UK) will place you squarely on the naughty list:

Spanking
Caning
Aggressive whipping
Penetration by any object "associated with violence"
Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of  if consensual)
Urolagnia (watersports)
Role-playing as non-adults
Physical restraint
Humiliation
Female ejaculation
Strangulation
Face sitting
Fisting

It seems the ‘won’t somebody please think of the children’ brigade have again got their own way, with very little if any resistance.



My four problems with this censorship are firstly the above list is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things. What consenting adults get up to is their own business. If a couple want to slap each other around, gargle each others piss and sit on each others faces who's to say that's less wholesome than an evening being forced to watch X-Factor?

Secondly the ‘WSPTOFTC’ brigade seem to think that banning things is a miraculous solution that means those acts will simply stop existing and cannot possibly be found on xtube, pornhub, xhamster, redtube, pornmd and the like.

Sue is a well known kinky slut.

It will be most impossible to find any videos of some chap being worn like Sooty, Sweep and if the mood strikes him, Sue. Banning the acts is of course the definitive solution to protect the precious children. Heaven forbid parents take the time to educate children on the difference between pornography and real life. Sweeping it under the rug and burying your head in the sand is a tried and tested method that in no way has any dire consequences. Isn't that right Catholic Church, I'm looking in your direction.

Catholic tested, mother approved.

Thirdly, if by some freak chance the acts listed above were somehow to still carry on after being banned by the BBFC and they were to be performed, I don't know, let's say abroad; then isn't the only real consequence of this utterly farcical legislation going to be that you're limiting the ability of the UK pornography industry to make money? And in my book, that's just moronic.

Finally, how did this go so far under the radar? Much like the perpetually shiny faced David Cameron's 'Always on' unless opted out porn filters that came into being from January this year were made into law without so much as blip on most people's radars. Which in this age of social media is quite shocking. But then again we all know the law makers in this country are in no way interested in looking out for our best interests.

Renown power bottom Kermit was unavailable for comment. 

Well at least they can't censor the fucked up depravity going on in my head right now. I need a shower.

Friday, 28 November 2014

No hope for mankind Friday.

Apparently Black Friday is a thing over here now, I wish it wasn't after seeing some of the images put out there by the Daily Mail.



I can't help but wonder that if people fought with such passion for Google, Amazon, Vodafone, Facebook, Starbucks and more to pay the tax they should then perhaps we'd all be a lot better off. Instead we have people brawling for no-name brand televisions which makes all of the sense.

Monica wasn't thrilled with her 32" Blaupunkt Television

Has the human race become so well trained by our lizard overlords that we now only care about discounted shit that isn't worth (nor ever was worth) what the original price tag states it is anyway? In what logical mind does standing in line to pay Tesco hundreds of pounds make even the smallest iota of sense?

It further bothers me that the Daily Mail are almost glamorising the violence & commercialism yet if you continue to scroll down the article it's trying to rub in your face the offers you're missing and incite you to get out and spend money and get involved in the carnage. I can imagine somewhere on Earth there is a room with a bunch of slimy billionaires watching all this on a massive screen salivating at this orgy of despair.

I'll file this under "no hope for mankind".

Thursday, 13 November 2014

I Fear For Comedy

This weeks social media shitstorm has surrounded a character called Dapper Laughs, the brainchild of comedian Daniel O’Reilly.



Up until all this shitstorm I had not even heard of Dapper Laughs, and I suspect most of the people whining and complaining about him hadn't either. As of today I watched the first episode of his now cancelled ITV series as well as a 37 minute compilation of his various vines and Instagram posts.

This is where comedy is headed people.

Was it funny? In my opinion (humour is subjective remember!) Yes. Was it offensive? No. Because I’m a grown up. A lot of the criticism has come saying it’s misogynistic and promotes violence against women and rape. Seriously? You honestly believe people are going to act out the below clip?



If anyone did genuinely act like that, than they themselves and society have a deeper problem than a guy putting on a cockney accent. In my opinion Daniel made anyone and everyone fair game. Women, Black people, Asian people, Gays, Lesbians, Disabled people his family and himself on more than one occasion. If you cherry pick your clips like the media have done you can make him look like the kind of racist that Britain First would think is a little over the top.

The way the media have selected their clips and the ones shared by this insular circle of people agreeing with their own opinions is very worrying. If you have a look through twitter it just seems like a collective hive mind of nutters validating their own skewed opinions and lashing out against anyone even trying to be a voice of reason, branding them a misogynist and rape enthusiast.

I’ve read a few articles by a variety of journalists on the matter and it strikes me that none of the people getting so worked up about this like that sort of sense of humour, and that’s fine. If you don’t like it don’t watch it, but to go on a crusade to get that type of humour banned or deliver a comedian so much hatred and bile that he feels he has to stop doing what he loves is in my opinion a dangerous, and manipulative behaviour that troubles me.

It seems that nowadays comedy can no longer be in any way risqué and must at no times ever offend any person from any walk of life in and conceivable fashion. The way the internet reacts and in turn companies like ITV react is becoming farcical and before long all we’ll have in the way of comedy will be pictures of pugs in sad hats.



No, wait fuck that. PETA will no doubt claim that it is cruel and unfair treatment of animals and that’ll be banned too after a twitter shitstorm.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Fuck that fucking penguin, and fuck you.

Hey! Want to come over tonight and watch that new DFS sofa advert tonight?” Said no one, ever.

Yet to me that is exactly how everyone sounds who is cumming in their pants over this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert . Let me repeat that last word again for those not paying attention. ADVERT.



Social media is having a meltdown for some reason over an advert featuring some brat and a penguin from what I can gather. I haven’t seen it as going out of my way to consciously watch an advert seems like utter fucking madness that I simply cannot fathom. Almost on par with the £95 price tag for a replica of the furry little cunt.



It’s a fucking advert. You know those things you skip after being forced to watch 5 seconds on YouTube? Or the ones complain about that you can’t skip on YouTube? Or the ones at the cinema when the film is advertised to start at 8pm but doesn't until close to 9 because you've been forced to watch them for what seems like fucking hours? Or how about the ones you fast forward when you've Sky +'d or Tivo'd?

Yes, those. ADVERTS.

Can we all take a deep breath and realise how utterly insane this is?



Monday, 3 November 2014

Why No One Comes To See Your Unsigned Band.

My younger brother is an unsigned band called the Cottonettes, (terrible name that sounds like a feminine hygiene product) and a couple of weeks ago he posted the following question to his friend on Facebook:

Genuine question for everyone and I'm really interested in people's thoughts. Why don't people go out of their way to see unsigned band?

Is it that you think unsigned bands are mostly crap, or are there better places you'd rather hang out at a weekend, is it too expensive, do you want to see more but don't know where to go?

I'm just wondering why most small gigs are mostly attended by people who are in bands themselves and why the everyday public aren't that interested?

When reading most of responses is was quite evident that most of the people that answered the question were themselves in bands. Which for me, was hugely indicative of the problem itself.

People in bands are mostly friends with people in bands, they do their gigs and meet more people in bands. They promote their gigs on Facebook and the only real audience that sees it is, you guessed it, people in bands.

The promotional strategy for a lot of local unsigned bands is akin to private school boys wearing blindfolds jerking each other off wandering where the girls are. With their Facebook news feed becoming the proverbial soggy biscuit.



My personal reason for not going to see unsigned bands is that it doesn't resonate with me and I have no emotional connection to it. I’ll go see my brother’s band once every so often as I have an emotional connection, he’s my brother. Is the music my cup of tea? Not really. But that’s about it.

My advice as someone not in a band to anyone looking to expand their potential audience is to do something different and try resonate on a different level with people outside the music community. Handing out fliers at your own gigs / friends gigs for future gigs, and posting in groups for unsigned bands is cannibalising your own limited audience. Find a way to piggy back on something else, or even more scary and vague; be innovative.


Thursday, 30 October 2014

Keep calm and well, keep calm?

There are a couple of quotes that I want to share today as they both seem very relevant in today's kneejerk, twitter shitstorm society.

I hate myself a little bit for using this image.


The first is by Stephen Fry

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

The second is by Brian Cox

"The problem with today’s world is that everyone believes they have the right to express their opinion AND have others listen to it. The correct statement of individual rights is that everyone has the right to an opinion, but crucially, that opinion can be roundly ignored and even made fun of, particularly if it is demonstrably nonsense! "

Both are so apt these days as it seems every day the rod up the internet's collective arse gets a rod up its arse about something. Whether it be Judy Finnigan's opinion on whether Ched Evans rape conviction mean he should play football again, or all that collective bullshit about Gamergate. Who actually cares? Will it immediately or indirectly affect your quality of life? No. So shut the fuck up and go outside. Maybe lay off the coffee and daytime TV.

I despise posters telling me to "keep calm" but lately I think the constant reminders are need for keyboard warriors who feel the need to steamroller their beliefs and opinions onto others through threats and intimidation.



I may have some unpopular opinions and thoughts but I don't care if people don't agree. I'm very open to the idea that I'm wrong (I'm not). But I don't threaten strangers with rape or murder if they don't agree with me. That's just for my very dear friends.

Now calm down or you're all getting a time out.