Wednesday, 28 January 2015

We were to understand there'd be pie and punch?

I'm not one for politics. Long before Russell Brand shocked the UK with his revelation that he has never voted I decided to come out and share my view that I didn't see the point as the only outcome was changing the colour of the badge of the guy who’s fucking people over.

Lately however I've taken more of an interest, partly due to Russell Brand's 'Trews' YouTube show and partly the amazing 'The Thick of It'. I still have zero interest in voting, I still see no point as I see the system as wholly flawed and corrupt. But in a new idea.



Have you noticed around election time, the political mudslinging kicks off, politicians start appearing tough on this, cracking down on that, making promises that they have little to no intention of keeping and all the usual malarkey one would expect with politics.

The 2005 film V For Vendetta said famously that “ideas are bulletproof”. I beg to differ. Ideas can be killed, buried, dug up, pissed on, skull fucked and buried upside down in a shallow unmarked grave. The media do a wonderful job of this or attempt to anyway, by going after the people who bring us those ideas.

Martin Luther King suffered an FBI instigated defamation campaign for over ten years (even after his death) that sought to discredit him by exposing personal and quite frankly irrelevant matters to make his dangerous to the then regime message go away.

Most recently Russell Brand when promoting change and being more active with his political commentary saw himself as the victim of a rather petty and childish campaign perpetrated by ‘The Sun’. In his quest to see residents of the New Era housing estate not made homeless priced out by a US property developer Westbrook Partners The Sun decided to run the following front page denouncing him as a hypocrite because of what his landlord does with his money offshore. And as the phrase ‘tenuous link’ was redefined we all stood back in awe.

I call bullshit.

Thankfully most people saw through this asinine attempt at defamation and we saw some very funny tweets under the #sunlogic and this attempt failed but more often than not the defamation of people who bring us good ideas or try to bring about change is successful.

Which brings me to my idea. Remove the people from politics.

Why not have in plain English the proposition, with clear pros and cons listed for each idea and let we, the people vote yes or no. According to this article on The Huffington Post, most people would vote for the Green Party based purely on their ideas in a blind vote. Interesting stuff. Some of their ideas I agree with, some I don't. Personally I don't think the monarchy should be abolished. But according to what I read earlier this week, the Green Party would see the monarchy scrapped and the Queen living in a council house. If I were to be a voter, would it sway me away from the Green Party? Maybe. But I'm certain that story alienated more than a few voters from giving the Green Party time of day.

But what if we had a system where you didn't have to have a bunch of crack pot ideas lumped in with the stuff you wanted. Like a political version of Netflix, rather than a political version of a bloated sky package full of shitty channels you don't want?

It sure would give more of a fighting chance to ideas that otherwise wouldn't see the light of day.

It's not a complete idea, it's not the 100% all singing all dancing solution this country needs and I'm sure much cleverer people than I have had this idea or better (I saw a version of this in Charlie Brooker's 'Black Mirror' the other day, regrettably mine doesn't have a blue bear) but I think it's clear we need to remove people from politics. People can be corrupted, influenced and manipulated. Ideas whilst not entirely bulletproof deserve a better chance.


Tuesday, 13 January 2015

5 Eggs Are Better Than 1?

Cadbury is the centre of this week’s social media shitstorm as it has been revealed that the chocolate in Creme Eggs isn't Dairy Milk and has in fact been replaced with standard cocoa mix. After having my usual boxing day treat of as many as I can carry, I found that I couldn't taste the difference, the shame was all too familiar though.

Clearly the best way to eat Creme Eggs.

Which brings me on to the second part of Cadbury’s controversy, the reduction in the size of multipacks from 6 down to 5. Having spent the first part of last year a bit of a Debbie Downer, the Creme Egg multipack was a cornerstone of my diet. I for one think that it’s probably best that they reduce the size as if you’re buying them in large quantities it’s a slippery slope towards losing a foot to diabetes.

Both of these points I can see why people are pissy but the best thing to do isn’t to take to social media to whine and bitch. Let your wallets do the talking. Stop buying them. But we know that won’t happen don’t we! You land manatees can’t help yourselves and that’s why it’s mid-January, the gyms are empty and Cadbury are getting the brunt of your rage.



Regardless, Creme eggs are sell available in 12 packs so calm the fuck down.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Put down the phone and enjoy the view.

I didn't go out or do anything that extravagant this New Year’s eve, and when midnight struck I was watching the BBC coverage of the fireworks. Personally I’m not a fan of fireworks, I think they are a colossal waste of money and I’d rather watch someone burn the pile of cash.

More impressive than fireworks.

The BBC coverage was very well put together, some really good shots of London’s landmarks illuminated with the fireworks.



Do you know what was weird about the BBC coverage? Not once did they cut to amateur phone footage. Weird right? I mean why look at HD footage taken from spectacular angles with amazing views when you have a plethora of footage that isn't properly balanced or focussed?

The point I’m getting to is that I don’t see why people at events / concerts etc feel the need to view the event through their 6 x 2.5 inch phone screens when they can use their eyeballs which have an infinitely higher resolution. The footage is never any good and I just don’t understand why people do it. Why pay money to go to see the New Years fireworks just to watch it through your phone? Why not just stay at home and watch it on your phone?



Thursday, 1 January 2015

How I am Going To Fucking Murder You

Midnight, December 31st
Whilst watching the fireworks go off last night I thought to myself “What a perfect moment to shoot someone in the fucking face”. With all the ambient explosions and peoples high level of intoxication it’s the perfect time to shuffle someone off the mortal coil with a well-placed shot to their stupid fucking face.

"I double dare you motherfucker, say 'new year new me' one more Goddamn time!"

November 5th
Remember, remember the 5th of November. I know I will, for the above reasons but the added advantage is that the window of opportunity is much, much greater. Morons seem insistent on having firework displays the weekend before, the weekend after and seemingly every fucking day in between. I fucking hate fireworks, but I’m very thankful for the added window to extinguish some life.

Thanks Guido!


A Murder Mystery Dinner Party
What better way to off someone and have some mild, poorly acted entertainment than by poisoning the food at a murder mystery dinner party. You stick around to watch their pathetic excuse of a life drain from them, then see if people are clever enough to work out that it was you. Except they can’t, they’re all dead. Oops.



But the most important thing to remember is. It was me. It was me all along.


Monday, 22 December 2014

The Common Sense Cinema

It seems every time I go to the cinema lately I encounter a spectacular shower of cunts who show no consideration for others.

My proposition for a business idea is this. A film lovers cinema. I want a cinema that makes it enjoyable for film lovers to enjoy films. Something I can say is a rarity these days when I go see a film. Hell, I don't even care if some bastard rips this idea off and does it themselves. It'll be worth it if I can see a film without 

1) No mobile phones.
I have had enough of dickheads who sit through a film glued to their fucking phones. When I went to see Interstellar some moron in front of me spent the first half hour of his phone on BBC sport, it was only when I asked him to go back to the last page as I wasn’t done reading it yet that he finally put it away. In my cinema phones are checked into soundproof lockers. If you’re attempting to be sneaky and sneaking a phone in, it’ll be chucked in the furnace and you’ll be dealt with the ushers. More on them in a moment.

2) No under 21's.
Teenagers are the worst. No to all of that mess.

3) Ushers.
I’m torn between having classic old timey ushers and thuggish illiterate steroid abusing brutes that make your average doorman look like a ‘Saved By The Bell’ style nerd. Think Brock Lesnar in a bad mood, suffering coffee withdrawal and being due on his period.



The point being I want any people talking or making any noise taken outside and brutalised. It’s not that fucking hard to be quiet in the cinema. Why you feel you need to converse with the people around you is astonishing to me. Shut the absolute fuck up.

4) Itinerary.
I’ve complained before about advertised cinema start times having nothing in common with the actual start time. I propose something like this:

Makes sense, doesn't it!

5) Feet off the chairs.
Show some fucking respect you peons. Your feet belong on the floor. Keep them there.

6) Keep your fucking shoes on.
While we’re on the subject of feet, keep your fucking shoes on. Where on earth do you think you are? The beach? Some trailer park waterin’ hole?

7) You can bring your own snacks. But we'll still offer our own.
I understand why cinemas sell snacks and have no problem with people eating during a showing. If it's loud Brock will eat your head. I understand a higher than normal price tag for convenience but £4 for a pack of twirl bites is rape. Pure and simple. £2 is acceptable or bring your own.

Have I missed anything? What other irksome things need to be banned from cinemas? Aside from Adam Sandler.



Thursday, 11 December 2014

Hatches Battened Down, Still No Bomb.

The language of fear used in the media crossed a line this week about something as mundane as a bit of bad weather as we saw the phrase 'weather bomb' trending. I don't by any means wish to trivialise the severe weather the UK saw last night and will no doubt see again, after all it's has affected me:

Such senseless destruction.
That photo is from my own garden. Only weeks ago it was full of leaves and now it is nearly bare. One can only surmise that this sudden lack of foliage is due to this Al-Qaeda / ISIS collaborative weather bomb effort, and could in no way be correlated to what we used to call 'seasons'.

It seems it isn't enough to whip the masses into an ill informed frenzy of online illiteracy when it comes to immigrants comin' over 'ere takin' our jobs AND signing on benefits at the same time, or the seemingly never ending list of things which cause cancer. We now have to have a marriage of terrorism and our weather.


I'm all for a free media, but if all it does is cause fear, hatred and further the agenda of some evil billionaires isn't it time we stopped taking it so seriously?

Wednesday, 3 December 2014

No sex please, we’re censored.

We’re well into the season where who is naughty and nice is decided and according to the BBFC the following acts (which were quietly banned from being depicted in pornography created in the UK) will place you squarely on the naughty list:

Spanking
Caning
Aggressive whipping
Penetration by any object "associated with violence"
Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of  if consensual)
Urolagnia (watersports)
Role-playing as non-adults
Physical restraint
Humiliation
Female ejaculation
Strangulation
Face sitting
Fisting

It seems the ‘won’t somebody please think of the children’ brigade have again got their own way, with very little if any resistance.



My four problems with this censorship are firstly the above list is pretty tame in the grand scheme of things. What consenting adults get up to is their own business. If a couple want to slap each other around, gargle each others piss and sit on each others faces who's to say that's less wholesome than an evening being forced to watch X-Factor?

Secondly the ‘WSPTOFTC’ brigade seem to think that banning things is a miraculous solution that means those acts will simply stop existing and cannot possibly be found on xtube, pornhub, xhamster, redtube, pornmd and the like.

Sue is a well known kinky slut.

It will be most impossible to find any videos of some chap being worn like Sooty, Sweep and if the mood strikes him, Sue. Banning the acts is of course the definitive solution to protect the precious children. Heaven forbid parents take the time to educate children on the difference between pornography and real life. Sweeping it under the rug and burying your head in the sand is a tried and tested method that in no way has any dire consequences. Isn't that right Catholic Church, I'm looking in your direction.

Catholic tested, mother approved.

Thirdly, if by some freak chance the acts listed above were somehow to still carry on after being banned by the BBFC and they were to be performed, I don't know, let's say abroad; then isn't the only real consequence of this utterly farcical legislation going to be that you're limiting the ability of the UK pornography industry to make money? And in my book, that's just moronic.

Finally, how did this go so far under the radar? Much like the perpetually shiny faced David Cameron's 'Always on' unless opted out porn filters that came into being from January this year were made into law without so much as blip on most people's radars. Which in this age of social media is quite shocking. But then again we all know the law makers in this country are in no way interested in looking out for our best interests.

Renown power bottom Kermit was unavailable for comment. 

Well at least they can't censor the fucked up depravity going on in my head right now. I need a shower.