Shower properly, with shower gel. Get all up inside your business and do that shit properly. Then generously apply antiperspirant to your under arms and a general spramp over the rest of you can’t hurt. If you think you've put on too much, you haven’t. The smell of B.O on public transport is so pungent at times that it gives me a headache and it needs to be eradicated.
2) Thou shalt not bring thine largest and most cumbersome of items during rush hour.
I've been commuting to London for the last 6 months and I've seen people try to get on the tube with framed paintings, arm chairs and shopping trolleys. Think to yourself “is this convenient” before taking things with you on public transport.
3) Thou shalt not place thine bag on a seat.
You can spot people who don’t commute as they are invariably the ones who place their luggage on the seat next to them (not in the overhead storage, not in the designated luggage areas) and act like I'm the prick when I ask them to move it so I can sit down. If you want to have a seat for your bag why don’t you buy a fucking ticket for it. Maybe dress it up in clothes and give it a name while you’re at it. Cretin.
4) Thou shalt not walk and read.
I like to think of myself as pretty coordinated, I don’t trip over often or bump into people. Cat like reflexes some may say, although they may be referring to the frequency of me licking myself, so I find it irksome to play “dodge the iPad twat” when walking around London. Put the fucking book / iPad / phone down and look where you’re going or I may start clotheslining people.
|POW! Right in the kisser.|
5) Thou shalt not hesitate to get on or off an escalator.
It’s not hard. Escalators don’t move at a dangerous speed, so why are you stood at the top of the escalator like you’re about to take a leap of faith into the abyss? Likewise at the bottom if you’re dithering about and have neglected to remember that there is a constant, never ending stream of people about to be rammed into you then quite frankly you shouldn't be allowed out of the house. Escalatards.
6) Thou shalt have thine ticket or card of oyster ready at the barriers.
I think this one pisses off the most commuters. How can people be surprised that they have to produce a ticket at the end of a journey around London? Have it ready and breeze through, I don’t want to stand behind you while you check all of your 4 bags for it. Likewise people whose ticket has failed and try more than once to go through. Get the fuck out of the way and go find an adult to help you.
7) Thou shalt not force thine self onto a packed tube car.
I've found the tube to be pretty regular, so when I see people running and diving onto an already rammed carriage it pisses me off. Look buddy, it’s already crowded and hot, the last thing we need is you, your briefcase and your backpack trying to force the rest of us into space where there is none. Wait the 2 minutes until the next one.
8) Thou shalt close thine legs.
I've seen this mentioned a lot lately on social media and I'm inclined to agree. Your balls aren't that big, you’re not saving room for cats, you don’t need that much space. Close your god damned legs.
9) Thou shalt not organise a school trip to travel during peak times.
It's summer holidays now so the worst of it is over but a few times over the last few weeks I've been trapped near groups of children taking up space, breathing, laughing and all manner of abhorrent child like behaviour. Surely more can be done to contain them in their daytime detention centres? What's the fascination with Piccadilly sodding circus anyway?!
10) Thou shalt not walk along holding hands.
Most pavements in London aren't wide. They are not able to cope with the volume of humans that come through London. In fact most of London isn't fit for purpose any more and it should be razed to the ground. There isn't the space to walk along hand in hand in blissful ignorance of the rest of the populace trying to weave their way around your insipid happiness. Cut it out.