Wednesday, 25 February 2015

Did The Oracle See This Coming?

Would the last shop to leave the Oracle turn the lights off when they go?

I don’t know what’s going on lately at The Oracle shopping centre in Reading but it's slowly becoming a ghost town.

When I'm gone

When I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone.

You're gonna miss me by my hair

You're gonna miss me everywhere, oh 
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

If the Oracle management don't pull their finger our soon it'll turn into renown crap hole and 'Reading's favourite Shopping Centre' The Broad Street Mall. On a side note I have no idea what reprobates they surveyed for that distinction as The BSM is a dank urine soaked hell hole that I dare not set foot in.

They've lost Mamas and Papas, La Senza, an opticians and a few other stores so that there now sits some 7 empty units. I'm wondering what the management of The Oracle are doing to get new businesses in. There's loads of chains that I'd love to have in Reading. All Saints perhaps? Or how about Urban Outfitters?

What shops would you like to see at The Oracle?


Thursday, 19 February 2015

Even more phrases, words (and a hairstyle) that need to die.

Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3

1) “The Boy”
There are only two people that can use this phrase. Slave owners and Zapp Brannigan. Slavery was abolished in Britain in 1833. You don’t own your partner and even if you did, I presume they’re over the age of consent (16 in the UK) so aren't they legally a man? Stop using this phrase now. Unless you’re a slaving owning paedophile toucher nonce.



2) “Bae”
Go away. Wipe your genetic material from the Earth, you have nothing to offer mankind. You are an evolutionary stumble.

3) Top Knots.
I can’t fathom as to why anyone thinks this is a good look. Tied up you look like the guy from the end of Beetlejuice:



Let down it looks like you’re trying your best to copy Ralph Wiggum. Enough. Get a proper hair cut.

Trend Setter.

Thursday, 12 February 2015

Dealing With First Class Train Travel: The Prawn A Day Initiative

As avid readers of my blog will recall back in August I did a review on first class rail travel which I surmised first class travel simply wasn't worth the £250 price tag. However after I wrote that and even more delays, stresses and overall shitty customer service from First Great Western (excluding their social media team) I gave in and upgraded to first class a few more times and got a little accustomed to it. After a very relaxing 3 months off work I returned to the rat race and decided that the price was too much and opted to go back to steerage.

As there are never any seats in standard class during commuting time I usually stand and read in a vestibule (the bit between carriages), as the journey is only 25-30 minutes it’s tolerable but far from ideal. To get a tiny bit more space and oxygen I have been known to stand in the First class vestibules which apparently is a massive no no and as always I notice that first class is practically empty.

One Friday I am on a delayed First Great Western train home stood in a crowded first class vestibule and this ill-mannered menopausal shit-witch asks if I have a first class ticket. Do you think if I'd paid for a first class ticket I'd be stood up in a vestibule you unimaginable dullard. So this oxygen thief bint decided that the already crowded standard class areas could stand to be a little more crowded so herds myself and a few other steerage passengers away from the rich people down to steerage. She doesn't say please, apologise, or do what most train staff do (realise the trains are massively overcrowded and these people aren't causing any problem and let them get on with standing there) she treats her customers like cattle. In any other company this bitch would be on the unemployment pile so fast her badly dyed hair would spin.

The solution

So I propose this: The Prawn A Day Initiative. I suggest anyone travelling standard class just take one prawn every day and leave it in first class. Leave them in a variety of places, under a seat, behind a curtain, in the overhead luggage areas; it doesn't matter. The cleaning staff won’t find them all, they’re probably paid minimum wage by the train companies and don’t give a shit. After a few days the fetid stench of decaying sea food will make first class most inhabitable and even the dodgiest of MP’s fiddling his expenses won’t want to use it.

It's quite evident that First Great Western don't listen to their customers, they have us over a barrel so this is really the only peaceful option we have left.

If no one uses first class, it gets removed. If first class gets removed there is more space for standard class carriages. Simple.


Wednesday, 28 January 2015

We were to understand there'd be pie and punch?

I'm not one for politics. Long before Russell Brand shocked the UK with his revelation that he has never voted I decided to come out and share my view that I didn't see the point as the only outcome was changing the colour of the badge of the guy who’s fucking people over.

Lately however I've taken more of an interest, partly due to Russell Brand's 'Trews' YouTube show and partly the amazing 'The Thick of It'. I still have zero interest in voting, I still see no point as I see the system as wholly flawed and corrupt. But in a new idea.



Have you noticed around election time, the political mudslinging kicks off, politicians start appearing tough on this, cracking down on that, making promises that they have little to no intention of keeping and all the usual malarkey one would expect with politics.

The 2005 film V For Vendetta said famously that “ideas are bulletproof”. I beg to differ. Ideas can be killed, buried, dug up, pissed on, skull fucked and buried upside down in a shallow unmarked grave. The media do a wonderful job of this or attempt to anyway, by going after the people who bring us those ideas.

Martin Luther King suffered an FBI instigated defamation campaign for over ten years (even after his death) that sought to discredit him by exposing personal and quite frankly irrelevant matters to make his dangerous to the then regime message go away.

Most recently Russell Brand when promoting change and being more active with his political commentary saw himself as the victim of a rather petty and childish campaign perpetrated by ‘The Sun’. In his quest to see residents of the New Era housing estate not made homeless priced out by a US property developer Westbrook Partners The Sun decided to run the following front page denouncing him as a hypocrite because of what his landlord does with his money offshore. And as the phrase ‘tenuous link’ was redefined we all stood back in awe.

I call bullshit.

Thankfully most people saw through this asinine attempt at defamation and we saw some very funny tweets under the #sunlogic and this attempt failed but more often than not the defamation of people who bring us good ideas or try to bring about change is successful.

Which brings me to my idea. Remove the people from politics.

Why not have in plain English the proposition, with clear pros and cons listed for each idea and let we, the people vote yes or no. According to this article on The Huffington Post, most people would vote for the Green Party based purely on their ideas in a blind vote. Interesting stuff. Some of their ideas I agree with, some I don't. Personally I don't think the monarchy should be abolished. But according to what I read earlier this week, the Green Party would see the monarchy scrapped and the Queen living in a council house. If I were to be a voter, would it sway me away from the Green Party? Maybe. But I'm certain that story alienated more than a few voters from giving the Green Party time of day.

But what if we had a system where you didn't have to have a bunch of crack pot ideas lumped in with the stuff you wanted. Like a political version of Netflix, rather than a political version of a bloated sky package full of shitty channels you don't want?

It sure would give more of a fighting chance to ideas that otherwise wouldn't see the light of day.

It's not a complete idea, it's not the 100% all singing all dancing solution this country needs and I'm sure much cleverer people than I have had this idea or better (I saw a version of this in Charlie Brooker's 'Black Mirror' the other day, regrettably mine doesn't have a blue bear) but I think it's clear we need to remove people from politics. People can be corrupted, influenced and manipulated. Ideas whilst not entirely bulletproof deserve a better chance.


Tuesday, 13 January 2015

5 Eggs Are Better Than 1?

Cadbury is the centre of this week’s social media shitstorm as it has been revealed that the chocolate in Creme Eggs isn't Dairy Milk and has in fact been replaced with standard cocoa mix. After having my usual boxing day treat of as many as I can carry, I found that I couldn't taste the difference, the shame was all too familiar though.

Clearly the best way to eat Creme Eggs.

Which brings me on to the second part of Cadbury’s controversy, the reduction in the size of multipacks from 6 down to 5. Having spent the first part of last year a bit of a Debbie Downer, the Creme Egg multipack was a cornerstone of my diet. I for one think that it’s probably best that they reduce the size as if you’re buying them in large quantities it’s a slippery slope towards losing a foot to diabetes.

Both of these points I can see why people are pissy but the best thing to do isn’t to take to social media to whine and bitch. Let your wallets do the talking. Stop buying them. But we know that won’t happen don’t we! You land manatees can’t help yourselves and that’s why it’s mid-January, the gyms are empty and Cadbury are getting the brunt of your rage.



Regardless, Creme eggs are sell available in 12 packs so calm the fuck down.

Wednesday, 7 January 2015

Put down the phone and enjoy the view.

I didn't go out or do anything that extravagant this New Year’s eve, and when midnight struck I was watching the BBC coverage of the fireworks. Personally I’m not a fan of fireworks, I think they are a colossal waste of money and I’d rather watch someone burn the pile of cash.

More impressive than fireworks.

The BBC coverage was very well put together, some really good shots of London’s landmarks illuminated with the fireworks.



Do you know what was weird about the BBC coverage? Not once did they cut to amateur phone footage. Weird right? I mean why look at HD footage taken from spectacular angles with amazing views when you have a plethora of footage that isn't properly balanced or focussed?

The point I’m getting to is that I don’t see why people at events / concerts etc feel the need to view the event through their 6 x 2.5 inch phone screens when they can use their eyeballs which have an infinitely higher resolution. The footage is never any good and I just don’t understand why people do it. Why pay money to go to see the New Years fireworks just to watch it through your phone? Why not just stay at home and watch it on your phone?



Thursday, 1 January 2015

How I am Going To Fucking Murder You

Midnight, December 31st
Whilst watching the fireworks go off last night I thought to myself “What a perfect moment to shoot someone in the fucking face”. With all the ambient explosions and peoples high level of intoxication it’s the perfect time to shuffle someone off the mortal coil with a well-placed shot to their stupid fucking face.

"I double dare you motherfucker, say 'new year new me' one more Goddamn time!"

November 5th
Remember, remember the 5th of November. I know I will, for the above reasons but the added advantage is that the window of opportunity is much, much greater. Morons seem insistent on having firework displays the weekend before, the weekend after and seemingly every fucking day in between. I fucking hate fireworks, but I’m very thankful for the added window to extinguish some life.

Thanks Guido!


A Murder Mystery Dinner Party
What better way to off someone and have some mild, poorly acted entertainment than by poisoning the food at a murder mystery dinner party. You stick around to watch their pathetic excuse of a life drain from them, then see if people are clever enough to work out that it was you. Except they can’t, they’re all dead. Oops.



But the most important thing to remember is. It was me. It was me all along.