Thursday, 13 November 2014

I Fear For Comedy

This weeks social media shitstorm has surrounded a character called Dapper Laughs, the brainchild of comedian Daniel O’Reilly.

Up until all this shitstorm I had not even heard of Dapper Laughs, and I suspect most of the people whining and complaining about him hadn't either. As of today I watched the first episode of his now cancelled ITV series as well as a 37 minute compilation of his various vines and Instagram posts.

This is where comedy is headed people.

Was it funny? In my opinion (humour is subjective remember!) Yes. Was it offensive? No. Because I’m a grown up. A lot of the criticism has come saying it’s misogynistic and promotes violence against women and rape. Seriously? You honestly believe people are going to act out the below clip?

If anyone did genuinely act like that, than they themselves and society have a deeper problem than a guy putting on a cockney accent. In my opinion Daniel made anyone and everyone fair game. Women, Black people, Asian people, Gays, Lesbians, Disabled people his family and himself on more than one occasion. If you cherry pick your clips like the media have done you can make him look like the kind of racist that Britain First would think is a little over the top.

The way the media have selected their clips and the ones shared by this insular circle of people agreeing with their own opinions is very worrying. If you have a look through twitter it just seems like a collective hive mind of nutters validating their own skewed opinions and lashing out against anyone even trying to be a voice of reason, branding them a misogynist and rape enthusiast.

I’ve read a few articles by a variety of journalists on the matter and it strikes me that none of the people getting so worked up about this like that sort of sense of humour, and that’s fine. If you don’t like it don’t watch it, but to go on a crusade to get that type of humour banned or deliver a comedian so much hatred and bile that he feels he has to stop doing what he loves is in my opinion a dangerous, and manipulative behaviour that troubles me.

It seems that nowadays comedy can no longer be in any way risqué and must at no times ever offend any person from any walk of life in and conceivable fashion. The way the internet reacts and in turn companies like ITV react is becoming farcical and before long all we’ll have in the way of comedy will be pictures of pugs in sad hats.

No, wait fuck that. PETA will no doubt claim that it is cruel and unfair treatment of animals and that’ll be banned too after a twitter shitstorm.

Friday, 7 November 2014

Fuck that fucking penguin, and fuck you.

Hey! Want to come over tonight and watch that new DFS sofa advert tonight?” Said no one, ever.

Yet to me that is exactly how everyone sounds who is cumming in their pants over this year’s John Lewis Christmas advert . Let me repeat that last word again for those not paying attention. ADVERT.

Social media is having a meltdown for some reason over an advert featuring some brat and a penguin from what I can gather. I haven’t seen it as going out of my way to consciously watch an advert seems like utter fucking madness that I simply cannot fathom. Almost on par with the £95 price tag for a replica of the furry little cunt.

It’s a fucking advert. You know those things you skip after being forced to watch 5 seconds on YouTube? Or the ones complain about that you can’t skip on YouTube? Or the ones at the cinema when the film is advertised to start at 8pm but doesn't until close to 9 because you've been forced to watch them for what seems like fucking hours? Or how about the ones you fast forward when you've Sky +'d or Tivo'd?

Yes, those. ADVERTS.

Can we all take a deep breath and realise how utterly insane this is?

Monday, 3 November 2014

Why No One Comes To See Your Unsigned Band.

My younger brother is an unsigned band called the Cottonettes, (terrible name that sounds like a feminine hygiene product) and a couple of weeks ago he posted the following question to his friend on Facebook:

Genuine question for everyone and I'm really interested in people's thoughts. Why don't people go out of their way to see unsigned band?

Is it that you think unsigned bands are mostly crap, or are there better places you'd rather hang out at a weekend, is it too expensive, do you want to see more but don't know where to go?

I'm just wondering why most small gigs are mostly attended by people who are in bands themselves and why the everyday public aren't that interested?

When reading most of responses is was quite evident that most of the people that answered the question were themselves in bands. Which for me, was hugely indicative of the problem itself.

People in bands are mostly friends with people in bands, they do their gigs and meet more people in bands. They promote their gigs on Facebook and the only real audience that sees it is, you guessed it, people in bands.

The promotional strategy for a lot of local unsigned bands is akin to private school boys wearing blindfolds jerking each other off wandering where the girls are. With their Facebook news feed becoming the proverbial soggy biscuit.

My personal reason for not going to see unsigned bands is that it doesn't resonate with me and I have no emotional connection to it. I’ll go see my brother’s band once every so often as I have an emotional connection, he’s my brother. Is the music my cup of tea? Not really. But that’s about it.

My advice as someone not in a band to anyone looking to expand their potential audience is to do something different and try resonate on a different level with people outside the music community. Handing out fliers at your own gigs / friends gigs for future gigs, and posting in groups for unsigned bands is cannibalising your own limited audience. Find a way to piggy back on something else, or even more scary and vague; be innovative.

Thursday, 30 October 2014

Keep calm and well, keep calm?

There are a couple of quotes that I want to share today as they both seem very relevant in today's kneejerk, twitter shitstorm society.

I hate myself a little bit for using this image.

The first is by Stephen Fry

"It's now very common to hear people say, 'I'm rather offended by that.' As if that gives them certain rights. It's actually nothing more... than a whine. 'I find that offensive.' It has no meaning; it has no purpose; it has no reason to be respected as a phrase. 'I am offended by that.' Well, so fucking what."

The second is by Brian Cox

"The problem with today’s world is that everyone believes they have the right to express their opinion AND have others listen to it. The correct statement of individual rights is that everyone has the right to an opinion, but crucially, that opinion can be roundly ignored and even made fun of, particularly if it is demonstrably nonsense! "

Both are so apt these days as it seems every day the rod up the internet's collective arse gets a rod up its arse about something. Whether it be Judy Finnigan's opinion on whether Ched Evans rape conviction mean he should play football again, or all that collective bullshit about Gamergate. Who actually cares? Will it immediately or indirectly affect your quality of life? No. So shut the fuck up and go outside. Maybe lay off the coffee and daytime TV.

I despise posters telling me to "keep calm" but lately I think the constant reminders are need for keyboard warriors who feel the need to steamroller their beliefs and opinions onto others through threats and intimidation.

I may have some unpopular opinions and thoughts but I don't care if people don't agree. I'm very open to the idea that I'm wrong (I'm not). But I don't threaten strangers with rape or murder if they don't agree with me. That's just for my very dear friends.

Now calm down or you're all getting a time out.

Wednesday, 22 October 2014

20 Observations About Ibiza

Not too much to rant about lately I'm afraid. Went on holiday to Ibiza, here's some thoughts, observations and musings:

1) Out of season there is nothing to do. Pack lots of books

2) Netflix won’t work. Subscribe to unblock-us.

3) BBC iPlayer won’t work. Seriously subscribe to unblock-us.

4) Don’t drink the tap water.

5) Seriously, don’t drink the tap water.

6) Liquido in Santa Eulalia del Rio claim to do the best cocktails in town. It’s true.

7) There is no one under 60.

8) The food was so disappointing I had a Burger King on the last day just so I could enjoy at least one meal.

9) If a waiter puts bread on your table, it’s not free.

10) If you’re a restaurant owner sitting in your establishment reading a menu all night will trick exactly no one into thinking you are a customer.

11) Ibiza old town is rather lovely.

12) The fort in Ibiza old town is woefully lacking in historical information. If you like reading a sign that says “machinery changed warfare” dozens of times you’ll love this.

13) Hotel duvets are disturbingly thin.

14) If you leave your towel on a sun lounger and don’t return to it within an hour, you should have your towel and possessions burned. It’s a dick move.

15) No one picks up their dog shit. What the fuck, Ibiza?

16) Ibiza airport is a cluster fuck. Board people by last row first. Otherwise it takes forever to get people on. It’s not difficult to do!

17) Mojitos should not be served in a tumbler.

18) October is still hot enough to sun bathe.

19) I still have no idea how a bidet works.

20) For the love of all that is good and holy, do not drink the God damned tap water.

Wednesday, 8 October 2014


"Those who do not learn from their mistakes are doomed to repeat them" - George Santayana

This years doomsday bug is Ebola and the media is already whipping up a shit storm of panic and the ill informed are all doing what they do best, and me, I'm doing what I do best. Getting repetitive strain injury from rolling my eyes at how fucking stupid people are being.

We've seen this crap year in, year out. Bird flu, SARS, swine flu, foot and mouth. All massive overreactions and the death numbers pale in comparison to those who die every year from flu anyway.

Cut out and keep.

Can we not all as a society, just this once calm the fuck down and be logical? Just this one time?

I'd write a longer post but I need to deep heat and ice my eye balls.

Monday, 22 September 2014

Handling The Inept

We have all worked with someone who likes to shirk responsibility and deny accountability. Working for the Agency in Soho I have to deal with a client who is best described as an apprentice candidate reject. You know the type, churning out statements like “I don’t lose” or “I’m a born winner”. With their ill-conceived  confidence seeping out of their pores. This particular oxygen thief is 'Online Acquisitions Marketing Manager' for a credit history company and he is without a doubt the single most inept person working in digital marketing I have ever come across. (This includes the person who whilst I was training how to use Google Analytics, I had to help set up with a Gmail account.)

An example of how stupid this meat sack is; I sent him very basic instructions on where to find and how to install Adobe Report Builder (an Excel plugin), with a clear sentence stating “if the link doesn't work, type in the top left search box ‘report builder’”. He replied saying that the link didn't work, could I do it for him. (See email chain below)

Click to make larger.

Working with this exceptionally stupid person I have picked up some of his tricks to avoid responsibility and accountability which I shall translate for you now.

1) “It’s my understanding that”
“I have no understanding of this subject, but not knowing anything about something has never stopped me having an opinion before.” He uses this phrase a lot, it usually precedes something so spectacularly inaccurate that one winces when it hits the ears. It’s obvious this moron has been to a lot of marketing events and picked up a lot of buzz words that he likes to drop in his sentences because he likes to sound intelligent. He doesn't. He sounds like a turd.

2) “I’d like you to take ownership”
“I want you to do this for me.” He says this a lot. He’s online acquisition manager, yet he has another agency do all of his advertising, SEO, display and affiliate marketing, we do the analytics and strategy so it does beg the question; what the fuck does he actually do?

3) “I’d like to partner with you”
“I want you to do this for me”. Another sneaky way of him doing none to very little work. This variation means that he intends to take half or more of the credit for the work, if it goes his way.

4) “Could you run us through this”
“I didn't read it, I’m not going to read it. I want you to read it to me and explain it to me as simply as you can, possibly using sock puppets”. Sometimes working in digital you have to deal with some  long winded technical information. In this example I sent him a usability audit of their site. I proof read this document several times, sent it back to the author for revisions to make it more readable and easy to understand as I know he is a lazy son of a bitch and I wanted to remove all hurdles that could make him put it down and lose interest. I emailed it to him and waited for feedback. For two weeks. I chased and heard nothing. When he came in yesterday for a meeting I asked what he thought of it and it turned out he hadn't read it and wanted the author of the document to come in person to their offices and present it to them. Utterly infuriating and not going to happen, the author is in the USA.

I came across his LinkedIn profile and found the following listed under his current role:

All Acquistion channels
User journey/conversion rates
Web Analytics

Of that rather detailed and impressive summary of his role let’s review what he actually does:

All Acquisition (I'll correct his spelling of the word here) channels – I thought your job title was Online Acquisition Manager. Are you claiming credit for offline too now?
User journey/conversion rates – Nope, afraid that’s me.
Web Analytics – Knock knock, me again.
Budgets – I’ll let you have that one as you do have to pay the agencies that do your work for you.
Strategy – If you had an original idea it would die of loneliness. We’ve come up with your entire roadmap for the next year.

I don’t understand how this dullard is employed as anything.

This all may seem rather personal and quite frankly it is. I suppose what I’m getting at is when I ask for more information when you send me an email saying “this doesn't look right” don’t copy in my manager, the senior partners of the agency saying questions like that “damage your credibility”. You fucking illiterate, unorganised, lazy, work shy, slopey-shouldered cunt.

I suppose I shouldn't get too worked up, he’s barely been in a role longer than 7 months so he’s long overdue a firing.